Look in the mirror!

Suniti was coming to India after two years. I was excited. She had mailed me twice and called me many times. She wanted to meet me. She had a lot of friends and obviously she had called only me. I was very happy to meet her after such a long time. I called her from office and decided on a place to meet.

She was waiting when I went there. She greeted me in the same way, she used to when we were working in the same team. She was the same, exciting and positive. I wondered at how simple she was even after she had gone places successfully.

We went into the restaurant and got seated in a comfortable table. As soon as she settled down, she looked at me and said, “Wow Sathya! Your hair is the same!” She smiled and the sarcasm in her voice was apparent. Whatever you do to it, it will still look the way it always looked. ”

My total spirit sank. My mood fell in spite of her continuous nice talks. The nice things that I thought about her a few minutes ago wouldn’t help. What a thing! She still remembers to comment on my hair. Wasn’t it enough that she commented on it all through, when we were working together?

She wouldn’t leave the topic. She gave me pieces of advice on how to take care of my hair. She even suggested me few foreign shampoos. I couldn’t say whether she spotted my discomfort over the topic. She then shifted to other topics. She inquired about all our friends and other team members. We went into a good talk for the next few hours, but her remarks were irking my mind.

Is my hair really looking that bad? I remembered how she and others used to make fun of my hair when I was working in my earlier project. Even when I did my hair while preparing to office, I used to sort of dread what her comments would be that day. She once nearly combed my hair while I was busy at my desk working.

There were so many things for to me to be busy about, but she could talk about nothing to me, but my hair.

While I drove back to office, my hairstyle was still in my mind. What is the matter with these people when I was actually comfortable with how my hair looked on me?

I sat on my desk with plans of what to do next. Swamy turned from his chair and said, “hi sathya! Where were you? I was just looking for you”

I smiled and replied, “Had gone to see a friend.”

Ram immediately sprung from his chair and said, “Hey swamy, you surely know her friend, Suniti yaar… you know her”…

Swamy frowned, “Which Suniti? Which team?

Ram got up from his seat in excitement. He moved closer to Swamy, “hey suniti da…she used to be in Sathya’s previous team. He put his hand in his forehand and motioned up and down and smiled furtively.

Swamy, at once, recognized what Ram was saying. “Oh! That female.. .. oh I know.”

I asked, “you know her?”

'Yes, I know her too very well. You shouldn’t have said suniti, you should have said "hair in forehead", I would have known very well' Swamy couldn’t control his laughter as he did the same action that Ram did, running his hand through his hair in his forehead.

Ram said, “Sathya, that would have been an easier identification for her, because all of us identify her with that only. There is nobody in our building who has a hairstyle like that."

Swamy replied, 'you are wrong Ram, there is nobody in this whole “state” who has a hairstyle like that.'

Both men laughed till tears came to their eyes.

I was shocked. My mouth went open in a gasp, what were they saying? Are these men really capable of making such sarcasm?

I asked, “Oh my God! Why are you people being so bad on her! She didn’t choose her hair texture. God did.”

“Sathya, how can you be so innocent? Of course God made her hair texture. But she did make her hairstyle right?

Ram intervened.

She deliberately puts her hair on her forehead. She used to fiddle with it even during official meetings. Not a joke Sathya, you can ask anybody from our office, everybody identifies her only by her hairstyle.

Swamy now convalescing from his laughter said, “Now Sathya, how do you dress up to office? How do you make your hair? How do you behave in team meetings? Come on, there’s a way to do everything. Don’t support her just because she is your friend.

I was surprised. How was I so ignorant of what is happening around me? Did really people respect me so much? What a stupid I was to let go of all my positive points but to weigh a negative comment keeping it near my eyes that it totally blocked others' good opinion of me.

Oof! I thought… I have to go home and look in the mirror. Oof again! Suniti had to look in the mirror too!

An individual responsibility

Hi,

I wanted to write this letter especially for you. Because I thought I was making some mistake while talking to you. Something when I talk is not making you accept my points.

Would you accept if I said every individual has a responsibility. All of us, even if we lived alone, cannot live the way we like. This responsibility, I am not talking about normal house chores like cooking and washing, though these are included in it too. When it comes to daily routines, I have always thought very highly of you. I have wondered why I was not able to follow a routine like you, come what may. I have seen that heavy rains or heavier sunshines couldnt stop you from going to office. You were always awake when I woke up, you wash your dresses and did not pass by unfolded clothes that were lying on the sofa unattended. You always did what you could when at home. Ordinary television programmes dont tempt you. I have not seen you wasting time on something that you didnt actually mean to do. You do not look down on others because they do not do what you did. You do not hate others because they dont share your beliefs. You respect each person's belief whether he was a theist or atheist.

I have listed all that I think are your positive points. There could be more...
But now let me come to the point,
You are so good at one look, but what is the impression you are creating on people? At any first glance, what do people think of you?

You may say you really don’t bother about what people think about you, but please remember what Anna and Rangaji anna said… “any man has to think what ”four people”” – Rangaji anna even went above one step and said, those are the “four people” who carry us at out last.

That gives us a reason to be actually be bothered about what others think of us – even if we wouldn’t really be bothered about whole of the world, at the least we will have to give an ear to what our kith and kin think about us, say our father, mother, siblings and spouse…

Let me go one step further and be a bit harsh. ..

When I say “You have to improve”… it has been a habit of our family to say “first you try to improve yourself, then you can advice us”. If I answer “Yes, I have been thinking about my improvement too, you people would say “first stop “thinking” so much, you will improve automatically. Even while write this, I can even remember the sentences, amma, ammu and you would use to sarcastically talk against me. It runs in our family to challenge others, right when they begin to talk. It runs in me too, … I accept. Why are we not ready to listen to what others have to say?

Have you ever realized that you are so impatient to listen to others? You are only 34 and you already behave like you have had enough in life. To me, I believe 94 is young and I cant stop wondering why you should be so fed up in life, when God has blessed with you everything – a wife of your choice, a wonderful kid and parents who are very understanding. If you so impatient with those around you, and with life in total, if you decide to be yelling always, if you want to be always complaining and shouting with no particular cause, if you, who is blessed with most decent expectations of life choose to be generally unhappy, what do you expect from me.. a person who is actually fighting with life, with no target.

Havent Anna said again and again that a grihastha has more responsibilities, because he is the one who can take care of other “single” people? If you are a complaining person, what message are you passing on to unhappy people like me? Am I to decide that I am lucky to be alone?

Please do not think I am putting all the responsibilities on your shoulder? Since our family, any family, for that matter, is dependent on the male leader for decisions, it mainly depends on how you handle things.

Let us take a quick tour of what your kiths think about you –

Appa thinks you are short-tempered. He thinks he cannot explain things to you, because you wont try to understand. So he wants to finish things instead of bringing them through you.

If you argue that his approach is wrong, you have to understand that it is our responsibility to change his attitude and another important thing is you should not develop a similar or different wrong approach lest, your daughter will learn it from you tomorrow or she may be telling others that her father has a wrong approach.

Amma thinks you are oblivious of the mistakes happening at home. She feels you are at large commanding her but failing to take an overall leadership. She feels things may actually improve if you told your likes and dislikes directly to your wife and demanded things from her positively, instead of shouting/shooting aimlessly standing in the hall.

Our relatives think you are unapproachable, and act at your mysterious ways.

Onlookers think you are a person who is slow to take up responsibilities, more or less an escapist, who laughs at your own good mood and demand illogical and impossible remedies from the society for your normal, humane niceties.

Well, what I think about is not important, as I am the one who is bringing these points to your notice. You could now choose to deny all the above points, or accept them and argue that you will not change or start thinking if you can do something about these.

We could have Sunday meetings repeatedly. But that is not going to change amma’s complaints or sri’s long face. Unless we treat the wound from its root, things are going to remain the same or they may get worse.

You may wonder why now all these. To be frank with you, I found out that all my negative feelings about life are not from the tragedy that happened to me but are springing from this house only.

If you think you are a bhagavathan, and are truly an Anna devotee, you need to do some immediate changes, lest you will be creating unhappy souls all around you – your wife who is a direct victim, your parents who are indirect victims and me – a distant victim.

What happened to me was an accident but what is happening in this house is carelessness and adamancy. If a couple who is married for 35 years would be targetless and unhappy, if a couple who had love marriage is targetless and unhappy, what am I to expect from life. If life is really that targetless and unfair, why live at all?